Feeling betrayed by a partner you’re not attracted to is the ultimate relationship heartbreak. And if you’re already swiping through possible partners on dating apps, you’re more likely to end up in a destructive relationship where someone uses sex as a weapon against you.
This happens for a variety of reasons, and why it does so often has to do with the way we are sexualized in society. One particularly insidious form of sexualization is the way we use models and starlets as the standard for acceptable sexuality, when in reality, one of the biggest casualties of the sexual revolution is the ick factor of sexual objectification. According to Alyse Whitney, creator of BodyConfidence.org, the biggest problem in dating is sexual fetishes and the objectification that goes along with them.
“You can be attracted to someone but not just sexually, and that’s where a lot of issues start to happen,” she says. “If one person has a sexual interest, other partners can and do feel pressured to behave and they don’t want to. A lot of times people want to fit into that position of being the receptive or dominant partner, but that’s not always their sexual choice.”
Ideally, you’re not looking for one particular kind of person. If you’re going for, “I can do this with anyone,” you’re more likely to develop intimacy, which results in more meaningful, loving, long-term relationships.
The flip side of the equation is if you’re looking for love based on who does the objectifying.
Porn, hookup culture, and sex culture
There was a time when having sex with someone who’s been modeled in a sex movie was verboten. However, that was during a time of moral panic when casual sex was still demonized. It’s since been normalized, and our idea of sex has been democratized by means of porn and sexualized media. Having sex has now become a basic social necessity. The key is that not everyone feels the same way about casual sex.
According to Andrew Tobias, a writer and advocate against sexual objectification, casual sex can be more damaging to one’s sense of self than dating an unattainable person. He’s personally witnessed many a barfly do something truly horrendous. In a scene in one of his books he describes a woman who’s way too drunk and high and “only dating to fuck.”
“I get off on that scene in The French Connection where they’re watching the line on the pool of wine and the
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Cynics might say so.
Casual dating apps like Tinder are for a specific kind of person, sure, but the overall ease of sex has pushed casual hookup culture into the mainstream. It just doesn’t feel like an option to not enjoy someone’s company for the weekend when you run into them in a bar. For some people, that’s what makes casual sex good — it’s almost a vehicle for self-expression, a chance to explore your sexuality. And for some, that’s what makes casual sex bad — it’s almost a vehicle for transactional sex. If you’re used to having sex only when you genuinely want to, to a person you’re interested in, why would you turn that around and do it for someone you barely know? It’s kinda bad in the same way that snapping pictures of yourself in the mirror while you shower is kinda bad.
Casual dating apps like Tinder are for a specific kind of person, sure, but the overall ease of sex has pushed casual hookup culture into the mainstream. It just doesn’t feel like an option to not enjoy someone’s company for the weekend when you run into them in a bar. For some people, that’s what makes casual sex good — it’s almost a vehicle for self-expression, a chance to explore your sexuality. And for some, that’s what makes casual sex bad — it’s almost a vehicle for transactional sex. If you’re used to having sex only when you genuinely want to, to a person you’re interested in, why would you turn that around and do it for someone you barely know? It’s kinda bad in the same way that snapping pictures of yourself in the mirror while you shower is kinda bad.
That’s all well and good, but what if one partner really wants sex, but the other doesn’t? When you’re sexually active, it’s usually your approach that determines whether or not you’re being sexual with someone, and if you’re feeling unsure of your desires, there’s no reason to force it on a less-than-hopeful partner. No matter how much sex you think you’re ready for, it’s unrealistic to think that’s the case for all of your partners. It’s just not realistic to assume that every single one of your

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